Symmetry and Disparity

1x1=1
11x11=121
111x111=12321
1111x1111=1234321
11111x11111=123454321
111111x111111=12345654321
1111111x1111111=1234567654321
11111111x11111111=123456787654321
111111111x111111111=12345678987654321

Talk about symmetry, huh?

Symmetry is something that I don't tend to dwell on all that much, mostly because there seems to be so little of it around.

Think about the disparities in life: people rarely get what they pay for, and they almost never get what they deserve; the good ones are never rewarded, and the bad ones always seem to get away clean. What's right is never easy and what's easy is usually wrong.

The more we learn about the world the more we appreciate it, but then we realize that every move we make deforms the world in some way. Every act of exploration becomes an act of destruction (if not outright aggression) and our sad attempts at reparation invariably make things worse.

The smallest percentage of people on the planet are in possession of the vast majority of its resources. The continent that supports the largest population has the fewest options for feeding them all. The nation that produces the most food on the planet throws most of it away.

We are capable of acts of supreme goodness and beauty, and yet we can't seem to help falling into patterns of wanton violence and ignorance bordering on evil. Our capacity for love seems to be eclipsed by our capacity for hatred and intolerance. The line between truth and dishonesty has become so blurred that we'll settle for a maybe on almost any issue.

...

Amid all the discrepancies, though, there are symmetries - we must never forget that there are happy endings (they aren't as common as we'd like, but they are out there), there is still the occasional snippet good news.

Into every darkness some light must shine, and even the faintest glimmer of hope can be a beacon. The smallest shimmering star can shed light and lead us back into the light. I try to keep this in mind in my life and I don't want to sound sanctimonious, but I do try to lead by example. I don't lie (if I can help it), I'm rarely wasteful, I give freely of my time, my money, my blood and my music.

I instruct those who would take instruction by not being an obnoxious drunk, by not being an unsafe driver, by listening to other peoples' stories and laughing at their jokes (especially the lame ones - lame jokes are my favorite). I am polite, kind and thoughtful. I hold the door open for others; I say please and thank you.

I do all those things because that's how I was raised and because I've come to believe that those are good traits and because I really do think that my tiny little actions can somehow make a difference.

I fell into that old cliche about how God's plan truly does include each of us on a deep and personal level, and I really do want to believe it. My mind is inescapably drawn to the idea of serendipity, symmetry and eventuality that links all of us with all of our random, stupid actions.

I want to believe that somehow, from some mind-witheringly distant vantage point, looking back on everything we have will start to make some sense. I want to believe that with all of my heart, but I find myself falling just short of it.

I look around and see both symmetry and dissonance; I see truth, lies, beauty, hatred, love, kindness and neglect in unequal proportions, I suppose because my perspective makes everything seem a little canted. I've always wanted there to be a true middle road, a safe track for me to walk that wasn't too hard or too easy, that was neither dangerous, nor overly safe and the farther I go, the more it seems like there's no such thing. But, that's my perspective talking. From far enough away even the most winding path is straight. Heard at the correct frequency the monotonous ticking of the clock can be the most beautiful note ever uttered.

It all comes back to perspective: over a long enough time frame all the anger and hatred, and even the love and hope and desire all wash out into fading images held together by memory. From up close, we believe these are the only things in the world, and their absence or presence determines everything in our lives, yet with or without them, through maddening droughts and floods of emotion that threaten to sweep us off our very feet, we're still here. Our lives, pitifully short and disconnected from themselves, go on.

Maybe that's why I've been in such a good mood lately: something happened that reminded me the importance of living in the now, as Garth would put it. I found myself in a situation that never should have been and yet I came out on the other end a completely changed man. I had experienced a joy that I'd forgotten was possible for the briefest of moments, I was totally in tune with myself and the world, and most importantly, with another person. It was a fleeting sensation, but when it was over I found myself completely content. I smiled for three days straight after that night and I couldn't tell you why, except that being in that situation was exactly where I wanted to be, and what's more, it was where I was meant to be.

I've never felt so correct in a spatial sense (metaphysical or otherwise). I've always felt in the back of my mind that somehow, wherever I was, I didn't fit. No longer. Now I really find myself content and unafraid of the future for the first time in my life. It's a strange feeling, like being young again, and it is wonderful.

I know this can't last. eventually, I'll slip back into the old habits and thopught patterns that eventually lead us all into despair, or something close to it, and that's okay, too. I'm not afraid of returning to my old self because now I know what it feels like to be truly happy.

Somehow, it seems like that's enough.