What I was trying to say earlier was ...

So I started a blog about symmetry the other day and had to stop for some reason. I hadn't really finished it, so I didn't publish it, and it fell into the black hole of drafts that I'm storing here on Blogger. Earlier today I did finish it, but kinda took up the thread in a weird way. I think I was trying to finish my earlier thought, and ended up with this new thought, which is my reflection on why I've been so happy lately.

This next bit is what I think I was trying to say when I started finishing the blog from earlier. Does that make any sense?

(Most of the ellipses are places I've replaced or paraphrased the earlier text. I think I was meant to be an editor.)

... Maybe that's why I've been in such a good mood lately: something happened that reminded me the importance of living in the now, as Garth would put it. I found myself in a situation that never should have been and yet I came out on the other end a completely changed man. For the briefest of moments, I experienced a joy I'd forgotten was possible. I was totally in tune with myself and the world, and most importantly, with another person. It was a fleeting sensation, but when it was over I found myself completely content. I smiled for three days straight after that night and I couldn't tell you why, except that being in that situation was exactly where I wanted to be, and what's more, it was where I was meant to be.

... I've always felt in the back of my mind that somehow, wherever I was, I didn't fit. ... Now I really find myself content and unafraid of the future for the first time in my life. It's a strange feeling - like being young again - and it is wonderful.

I know this can't last. Eventually, I'll slip back into the old habits and thought patterns that eventually lead ... to despair, and that's okay, too. I'm not afraid of returning to my old self because now I know what it feels like to be truly happy.

Somehow, it seems like that's enough.

That last part didn't come across as powerfully as it felt when I wrote it, but that's not surprising. I do think the gist of the communication went across, though.

I don't know how to complete this thought, except to restate the obvious: I feel like I've been charmed. I feel like the world is hopping to my beat, for once; like my song is always playing, and I've always got the right moves. I feel like the lights are always going to be in my favor, and what's really weird is that I feel this even when I'm sitting in traffic.

It could be just the excitement of getting my first public performance under my belt, or bringing trivia across the street (although, I hafta say, I never would've done either of those things if I hadn't already been floating around on a cloud of euphoria fumes). It could be the elation of realizing that I finally feel like I have some modicum of control over my life (famous last words, right?), but I'd never even consider that as an option if I wasn't so stupidly happy these days.

I don't think I'd feel this strongly about it if it was just a case of the giggles (which I am prone to get). Lately I just feel like the laughs are coming easier and more often, and that the bright side is always a little easier to see.

I guess I feel like I'm doing something right, and this is my reward.